Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Where Are Our Naps?

Wednesday, January 23rd, 2013

by Carrigan Miller

I don’t think I ever got a minute of sleep in Kindergarten. During naptime, I would always look at my classmates’ faces. I can still remember what my teacher looked like, simply because I spent my naptime memorizing her face. Or I’d look at the computers. They had these funny fish screen-savers. You know what I’m talking about, the nice coral in pastel pink and blue with the yellow fish that go about on their little patterns. I memorized those. I could tell you where the fish was going and what he was up to. Instead of sleeping, I got inside this fish’s head.

Later that year, I asked a girl named Kerrigan (pure coincidence) in first grade if they had naptime. When she said no, it really blew my mind. They worked harder than we did, so weren’t they more deserving of a nap?

Ten years have passed, and I stand by that theory 100%. Who among us hasn’t taken a nap in high school? Some more often than others, sure, but we’ve all at least longed for a pillow during a particularly rough English class, or during a never-ending Study Hall (there’s nothing wrong with a sophomore that still has study halls).

So now I get to my point. MKA has always found pride in our reputation as a liberal school, on the cutting edge. We adjusted the schedule in order to maximize work. When the cyber bell tolled, we invested in the 1:1 program. So now it’s time for our next big step: The re-introduction of nap time.

I’ll be honest, it’s risky. But so was buying all those TVs. If there’s anything that MKA knows about, it’s risks.

Think about it, Dr. Flocco. The Carrigan Miller Nap Room would be awful cool.

We’d be relevant again! When’s the last time we’ve been on the front page of anything besides the PAMKA Newsletter? Can you imagine the publicity such a bold move would bring in? The Star Ledger would praise us over a four-page spread. Newark Academy would look downright passé compared to our new and innovative sleep policies.

We don’t have to call it nap time either. We could give it some sort of a fun buzzword-title, like Independent Rest Period. And it’d be easy—the money wouldn’t even be a blip on our financial radar!

AP Latin Waxes Quotable

Wednesday, January 23rd, 2013

The gods are all shimmery with the soft Barbra Streisand light around them.

Feel it to the ho to the hey to the yo.

The Romans have recurring psychotic episodes.

I’m a big wall guy.

Noreaster is my second favorite Easter.

The world is yours, you just have to take it.

Woman, you done good.

Don’t look at me like that, woman.

But wait, it gets a little bit sicker, a little bit iller.

Emeka Leads the People: Column #3

Saturday, January 21st, 2012

I’m looking for the perfect (Valentine’s, holiday, birthday) gift for my boyfriend. Any suggestions?



Luckily, I have no idea who your boyfriend might be, Diana, so I can answer this question nice and impartially. I once got a set of clip-on ties as a gift, and I was ecstatic. Why? Because I had no idea how to tie ties, but was still able to look spiffy like my dad. That gift was basically a gateway to bigger and better things and a new improved Emeka. Obviously you shouldn’t get your boyfriend — whose identity I don’t know — clip-on ties, but my point is that you should consider his interests. What is his primary interest, and in what way is he looking to expand on that interest? If you consider those two simple questions, which I assume you know the answers to, you’ll have no trouble getting him the perfect gift. No gift cards.



I’m going off to college next year and quite frankly I’m worried about living with a total stranger. What should I do to get to know him better, or at least give a good first impression?



Well, Borges, you’ve already taken care of about 75% of the workload, which is cutting your unbelievable hair. Without such an attention-grabbing palette on your head, your new roomie will be able to focus on those deep, deep eyes and have something reasonable to talk about. Basically what you have to do is walk in there with your game face on, because it’s game day, and decide the game from the first snap. You tell him who you are, what you will do, and how you’ll do it, in as polite and conservative a fashion as possible. Just because you’ve been in high school and had an easy schedule does not mean you’re soft. You can take care of the college guys with the right mindset.

But my best advice, seriously, is not to use Facebook before you actually meet him. DO NOT MEET HIM ON FACEBOOK. You will be predisposed to judging him inaccurately, and will not want to know much more when you meet, so your friendship will already feel jaded when you first shake hands.


My unicorn was stolen yesterday. I am extremely emotionally distraught and am having trouble moving on from this tragic event. Do you have any advice for me?

-Sophie Vandenbroucke


Frankly, I’m turning this article in about a month late, so your debacle has probably been resolved as of this writing. But I’ll answer it anyway because it’s pretty funny and I might be able to aid any future unicorn trouble. And for all you suckers saying, “Hey, this is a corny joke! There’s no such thing as unicorns!” Activate your ignorant brains and do a quick Google Image search to see that unicorns have been proven to exist.

I know how hard it is to lose something or someone close to you, so I know how you feel. Unicorns are wild, so the thief won’t be able to keep control. That means it’s important to call pest control and tell them that a unicorn is at large and dangerous. That should prompt immediate action, which will help you with initial panic. Next, call your best friend and tell her what has happened, then do the same with your boyfriend. These people, being your closest friends, will definitely rush to help you with your problem. If that doesn’t do the trick, call up a good talk show like Springer or Dr. Phil. Coming on one of these shows and letting the world know about your serious problem should kill all your fears. Finally, just sit down and take a deep breath. You’ll get through it.


Do you think MKA has changed since freshman year? If so, in a good way or a bad way?



Really, it’s hard to judge, because you are forced to judge through the lens of your own class, and that lens changes dramatically each year. Freshman year, many of us cowered in fear at the 6-foot senior boys, class of 2009, and the insane makeup jobs of some senior girls. The school felt big and intimidating like those seniors. I personally think the next senior class, class of 2010 was filled with a bunch of hard-knock guys, who imprinted that particular quality on the school. Next senior class, class of 2011 brought an abundance of artsy theater-y folk, who laid that on us. But I don’t really know all this, because it’s so hard to judge as a member of this particular class, class of 2012. The current senior class is the most diverse I’ve ever seen here, and we might be putting that on the school, but I can’t tell through that class lens. I do believe that the atmosphere of the school is mostly decided by the seniors, though a good number of flamboyant froshies are changing that this year.

Emeka Uwakeneme ‘12 Staff Writer 

Emeka Leads the People: Column #2

Monday, November 21st, 2011

I like a boy, but he’s so ugly, will people judge me if I say I like him? What do I do?


Going on intuition, I’ll assume that you’re a girl. That’s important, because if you are, it will be exponentially harder for you to overcome the image paradox. Boys can just say they have low standards or that they just want to raw dog the world. Girls, however, are genetically inclined to actually like their partner I think. You probably want my real honest advice, and not my this-advice-column-crap-is-a-good-late-night-alternative advice, so I’ll try giving you some. If I were you, (which let it be known I’m not) I would go out with this guy a few times but keep it on the low. If I feel we have a little thing going (let it be known I wouldn’t) and he’s cool and I don’t give a damn about his looks, then I wouldn’t be afraid to say why we’re together and why, though I probably wouldn’t blazon it either.

Let it be known that this is all COMPLETELY hypothetical.


How many heavy hooks will it take to knock someone out or daze them?


If I were asking how to daze somebody by hitting them, thus revealing my utter lack of knowledge on anything physical, I would post this anonymous too, so good job there. Now I know this definitely isn’t big Johnny Tsatsaros, because he knows about infinity ways to knock someone out using everything from fists to eye contact. Therefore, he is like magic 8-ball when it comes to questions like this, so ask him. I personally have never been in a fistfight without the aid of Sock’em Boppers, so all I can say is give it your all, and hopefully you’ll daze them in just one punch and be able to flee. Or in my case, your one punch will be so pitiful that they’ll fall to ground laughing, thus getting “knocked out” and giving you ample time to flee.


My roommate eats candles, sniffs wood and chews ice in secret. Is there something wrong with her?

-Emma from Yahoo answers cause ya’ll don’t never ask me no questions.

Haha yes. Talk to the RA or something; just take care of that. The candles, I mean. Ice tastes good and wood smells quite delightful to the cultured nose. It has an earthy essence like a good fine wine.


I have an embarrassing habit, which is drooling in my sleep. Is it at least normal, and how do I prevent it?


There is nothing wrong with your little habit; it is very normal. I, being an avid drooler, believe it is more than normal. I have a theory, recently proved through a survey by me, which goes like this: Since the flow of saliva over the teeth strengthens enamel (that’s why you chew gum), and drooling causes excess saliva flow, droolers have stronger, healthier teeth than the average beaver. So instead of you asking how to prevent drooling, all you non-droolers/Englishmen (bad stereotype joke) should be asking how to drool artificially.

Emeka Uwakeneme ‘12 Staff Writer

Turkey Day Struggles

Monday, November 21st, 2011

Thanksgiving at my house brings fond memories of running, shrieking children, football on the front lawn-weather permitting, stories of Thanksgiving past from grandparents, aunts and uncles and eating until we are literally about to explode. There are some pretty universal “traditions” that occur in many households that make us all laugh on this most delicious holiday.  Do any of these seem familiar?

Kids table or the adult table?

Anyone with a family larger than five knows exactly what I mean. The adults are at one table while the kids are relegated to the ‘kids’ table’. It may seem simple, but what is the qualifying age for the ‘kids’ table’. Can there be a teen table for those who deem themselves far too cool to sit with their little cousins? At what age are you promoted to the adult table? What happens when the adult table reaches capacity? Even the second grandchild, a twenty something is forced to sit at the kids’ table and glance longingly at the real table that he or she might someday be allowed to sit at, maybe when they turn 30!

What are you thankful for?

Every year we are invited to (forced to) share what we are thankful for with everyone at the table prior to digging in.  A wonderful idea but with 20+ people this can be a challenge -no repeats not to mention this takes a while and the turkey is making your mouth water. The first person has it easy “I am thankful for my family and that we can all be here together”, a very good thing to be thankful for, and, funny, that is exactly what I wanted to say!

Who should or gets to carve the turkey?

Carving the turkey: an art that has yet to be perfected by anyone. First, who gets to carve the turkey (or rather, who is given the challenge to please a large group of people with varying preferences). At my house, the carving knife usually falls into 3 separate hands before someone actually begins to carve. Furthermore, there is always a critic. The slices are too thin, too thick; do you want dark meat or white meat? Who gets the leg? Did I mention the turkey never looks like it does on the cover of Martha Stewart Magazine. That doesn’t exist. The bird is taken out of the oven and carved on the cutting board  with 20 people watching. I wish the carver good luck.

Who gets to break the wishbone?

Let’s be honest, everyone under the age of 20 (and sometimes even the people older than 20) wants to break the wishbone. So, if you have never had the opportunity, here is the simple, yet covert, strategy:

  1. Approach turkey carver well in advance of the carving and express interest
  2. Approach turkey carver while carving and renew interest
  3. Remind turkey carver when he is done carving, have him set it aside in a secret place to dry
  4. Find a partner
  5. Sneak into the kitchen at the very end of dinner while no one is there and break the wishbone


So this Thanksgiving, I hope that you know that you are not alone in the navigation of Thanksgiving dinner and that you can come up with something unique to be thankful for. I know I am thankful that this article is turned in on time.  Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Kelsey O’Connor ‘14 Issue Contributor

An In-Depth Analysis of the Enigma That Is Kevin Jonas

Monday, November 21st, 2011

(Disclaimer: I do not mean to offend any Jonas Brothers fan. I am as much of a fan as you are, if not a bigger one.)

They’ve changed the face of music with their skinny jeans and high-pitched voices. You know them, you’ve heard of them, and you sing their lyrics subconsciously. They are the Jonas Brothers, small town boys who pursued their dreams of becoming Disney Channel stars. When one thinks of the Jonas Brothers, two names come to mind: Nick and Joe.

But there IS another Jonas Brother.

An MKA survey asked the question, “Can you name the Jonas Brothers for me?” Kevin Jonas was often the last name mentioned, or even worse: FORGOTTEN. How would you like it if your siblings made a band together and all the credit, fame, and ladies just went to them? Think about how hard it is for Kevin to wake up in the morning and squeeze himself into those tight, tight pants only to stand in the shadow of Nick and Joe.

This needs to change.

Kevin is, arguably, the best Jonas Brother and the most mysterious. First is the obvious mystery of his age. Some claim that he is 23, but he just seems much older than that. In a teen magazine, Kevin neglected to write down the year of his birth in an interview. Why, you might ask? BECAUSE HE HAS EXISTED SINCE THE DAWN OF TIME. I believe Kevin rode the dinosaurs, invented the wheel and even lived through the ice age. Kevin will live forever, and that’s pretty awesome, so what I don’t understand is why Nick and Joe are the more “likeable” ones.

Kevin has so much potential to be a brilliant talent, but Nick and Joe just stick him to the side of the stage with a guitar. WHY? Wouldn’t you want the immortal brother front and center stage?! They never let him sing (and I’ve heard he has a beautiful voice) and sometimes I am sure they tell him to fake play the guitar, so they can steal the spotlight with their flips and cute bouncy hair. Kevin should be in that spotlight. Kevin needs the recognition he deserves, and you can help. By simply mentioning Kevin Jonas’s name, you’re doing something. Together we can make a difference.

Rebecca Strickland ‘12 Issue Contributor

Emeka Leads the People

Wednesday, September 7th, 2011

Emeka Uwakeneme ’12

Issue Contributor

My chem lab partner smells SO GOOD. I can’t stop smelling her. What should I do?

Can’t Stop Wafting

Okay, so this is such a dumb question that I won’t waste much time on it, but nonetheless I like dumb things and there’s a lot to be mined here.

Either you’re kidding or you’re freaky. If you’re kidding, then you just wasted three minutes of my precious article-writing time. If you’re freaky, then there are a few decent solutions. One is obvious. Get the guts to ask this girl what perfume she’s wearing and buy it. Buy lots of it. Spray the stuff all over your room every night for the rest of your odd life, and maybe you’ll satiate your hormonal desires. If you really have it in, spray it in your parents’ room (every night for the rest of your life) so that you have a safe outlet for your fantasies.

If you’re a chemist and likely to find these things attractive (no offense chemists) you could try and concoct your own good stuff and then switch partners so you won’t seem weird.

Just keep smelling. It’s okay because you’re a teenager and you can be weird. Maybe smell her while she’s walking through the halls too. Draft air is always the sweetest.

I want to amp up my school style. Do you have any suggestions?

Jordan Walters

Well Jordan, my best advice would be that tight is the new black, but you already know this all too well so I can’t say much, but of course I want to help as best I can. If you want to be stylish while staying within the Academy’s lenient code, you could replace off-limits jackets with a cute Gucci blazer. You could take a page out of Grillo’s book and wear unreasonably bright pants. Heck, you can even wear a pinkie ring. Possibilities are countable on two hands at MKA. I personally might create my own pair of (not open toe!) shoes out of handcuffs and shackles, painted in a stylish tie-dye. I guess my point is to do whatever you want; there will be no repercussions.

How do you manage to balance your schoolwork and your romantic life?


Fall in love with your work and then get to work on that special lovebird. Flip the script on the whole damn thing and watch your life flourish. Hope this helped.

Next Issue: I’ll be giving actual advice

A Few Words from Our President

Wednesday, September 7th, 2011

J. Dean Paolucci II ’12

Student Body President

So, it is finally a new school year! For many, it seems as if you guys have adjusted to your new roles and responsibilities quite well; however, for others, acclamation hasn’t come so easily (freshmen I’m looking at you). Regardless, I apologize in advance for those of you at whom who I may or may not throw the odd stealthy elbow on my way to class. I think we will all eventually get over it.  When we do, I really think we can all have some fun this year… at least on my end. Although we have been forced to make the school shine like the top of the darn Chrysler building, like a bunch of orphans under the wisdom “keep it clean Cougars” (musical theater reference! I know, so cool), I still think we can have a great time this year. Just don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.

Your President,

J. Dean Paolucci II

Lady Cee Has Met Her Match

Saturday, April 9th, 2011

Almost overnight, Rebecca Black has become a national sensation—moreso out of hatred, than of love. Her horrific music video “Friday” has been declared by many to be the worst song ever created, inspiring hateful comments, and death threats, from millions of viewers. Much to the ire of students, the 13-year-old is the newest admit to MKA.

“It’s funny, we originally rejected her,” explains Dr. Flocco. “Her test scores were awful, and her essay was a 13 page treatise on the way the Alphabet is ordered. In her interview I asked her what she did in her free time. She just exclaimed ‘Fun, Fun, Fun, Fun,’ for several minutes.” Then, Dr. Flocco received an email linking to Black’s music video. “I saw that, and I just had a change of heart. It was such a delightful video. What creativity for such a little girl! I knew that having her would inspire our own students to achieve ambitions of their own.”

Black’s first week has already been eventful. Students were surprised to find that Black has a habit of narrating out loud her schedule: she wandered the halls, saying “Gotta get my schedule from Mrs. Jennings, Gotta open my locker, Gotta get my books out, Gotta put my books into my bag,” and so on. As Black entered her first class, she looked around, and promptly exclaimed “Which seat can I take?” Dr. Ferguson meekly pointed to the only available seat in the classroom.

Even more perplexing is Black’s insistence on a daily announcement of the date. Following her request, Flocco has begun using the school’s PA system to announce the day of the week, as well as the following days. Explains Black: “I just get confused, you know? My mind doesn’t have time to focus on such trivial matters. I’m too busy composing my next musical masterpiece. If only you could hear what goes on inside my brain, its like Beethoven. The only downside is that I can never turn the music off, but that’s ok, because it’s the music of the angels.”

At her first Synergy, Black exclusively premiered her latest single, “Monday.” Described as “Abba with Autotune,” the entire song centered on the chorus “I’ve got a case of the Mondays/Today’s not my Fundays.” Not to be outdone, Ladyy Cee sprang onto the stage, declared a teen pop star duel, and sang her song “I Didn’t Know.” A lengthy Twitter feud followed, with the two eventually making up and agreeing to “collab.”

-Christopher Walken ’67 Resident Philosopher

Taymor Takes Over: Flocco Has Nervous Breakdown

Saturday, April 9th, 2011

Last Monday, after famed film and theatre director Julie Taymor was publically fired from Broadway musical “Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark,” it was confirmed from Ms. Taymor had been appointed as the Chair of the Upper School Fine and Performing Arts Department. Taymor, a twenty-five year veteran of the stage, made it her first order of business to restage recent MKA production “Once Upon a Mattress,” as a post-apocalyptic, sci-fi neo-Spaghetti-western utilizing all of the original Upper School cast, only with all of the gender roles reversed.

“If someone doesn’t like this show, I can only respond that it’s because they don’t understand it or me,” noted famed perfectionist Taymor. “My work is the dictionary defintion of unique – how many other shows have taken a classic and reimagined it in a violent and postmodern context? That’s right, none.” Upon hearing about Taymor’s interpretation of Mary Rodger’s Broadway stalwart, Middle School theatre director Christian Ely has been witnessed scrambling to put together a new show for next fall.

As of April 1st, just three days after the first rehearsal, the show is officially forty-three days behind schedule and eighty-seven million dollars over budget. Additionally, seven members of the cast are now confirmed dead, with eighteen in the hospital due to serious, show-related injuries. The source of the injuries and fatalities is said to have been Thursday’s rehearsal, where Taymor had crew members Tom Weisel and Zach Wildstein attempt to bring the forty-five foot tall and thirty-one ton fire-breathing robot Robosaurus on stage for the show’s revised climax. One destroyed auditorium and eleven visits to the burn ward later, anarchy had ensued.

“The problem with Robosaurus is that when he breathed fire, eventually we were able to put it out with water,” added a disturbingly cheerful Taymor. “If we want this show to work, we need to change the robot’s propane tanks into a chemical reserve of some kind that water can only fuel. White phosphorous might do the trick – I saw something about that on the History Channel once.”

Incapacitated Senior and performer Jill Karole was heard mumbling under her breath, “Still beats ‘Urinetown,’” while car- ried out of Weiss Auditorium on a stretcher. One of the few actors left uninjured after Thursday’s rehearsal, Junior Sylvie Konner, expressed reservations about the show ever having any potential. “We got the script the other day and it was written on cocktail napkins in what looked like blood. We asked her about it, and she said not to worry, it wasn’t her blood.”

“Wait, we’re spending how much on a musical?” said a con- cerned Head of the Upper School David Flocco. “Man, can’t the kids just wear like felt or something and just dance on a wooden platform? Why do the arts always have to be so complicated and expensive?” Upon saying this, Flocco was spotted signing a check for a therapeutic whirlpool in the training room for athletes after games.

In an unrelated turn of events, Charlie Sheen has been named both the Chair of Physical Education/ Health Education Department and Athletic Director. Sheen states that he intends for a greater emphasis in both areas on winning, the nutritional benefits of chocolate milk, and how one can remove all traces of DNA from a trashed Las Vegas hotel room using only three beach towels and a bottle of lye. When pressed for comment, former Athletic Director Todd Smith stated, “I can’t be mad at the guy. C’mon, you ever see Major League? It’s Wild Thing!” Subsequently, it has been confirmed that Van Brunt Field has been renamed Sober Valley Lodge.

– Writer Number 4 Sixty Seven